Below are some horsey jokes to take the bitterness off of losing your money on the darn nags. Some of the jokes actually have some underlying truth or meaning to them. If you have a good joke, please e-mail them to us at articles@g-index.net.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it
 

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Punter #1: "This is a race for pigs!"
Punter #2: "Yeah? How come my wife ain't entered?"
   

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One common bettor's gripe is that every year, there is less value found in horse racing. With new advancements in technology that make picking the ponies less of a challenge, odds are falling fast and our wallets are taking a hit.

Fear not, my fellow fanatics! There is still hope as this TRUE event will show you. At one NY simulcasting facility, betting was allowed on a race from Churchill Downs. "What's wrong with that?" you might ask. Well...uhh, you see... the windows didn't close until ~7 minutes after the race was declared official. A few sharp handicappers picked up on this malfunction, and proceeded to bet close to $800 on the race. The catch? About $300 of the money bet was on the wrong horse! I used to think that there wasn't such thing as a "bad day at the track," but apparently I was mistaken. When you have the opportunity to watch a race then bet on it and still manage to screw up...well, let's just say that it's time to enroll in the numbskull division of Gamblers Anonymous.

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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
   
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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the bookies betting on another horse in the same race...

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One day at the track, I got a tip from my backside friends. A horse named "The Power of Prayer" was running in the sixth race. I placed my bets and found my seat. I should have known better: when the starting gate opened, he went down on his knees...

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I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

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The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".

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The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important steeplechase race on a horse he has never ridden before. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he' blind!!!".

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A horse walked up to the racetrack betting window and plopped his money down. "I want to bet fifty pounds on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse. "I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk. "You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?" "No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race.

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A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo. The mother couldn't believe it. She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life." The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!"

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water. The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition. Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water. Like the first horse it went on to win its race. The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse. Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water. So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race. The guy was devastated. So he went over to the priest and said, "What's going on here? The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards. I had put every penny I had on it's nose!" The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?" The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?" The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."

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A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket. "Any chance of a game?" he asked the captain. At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat. The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the horse to run. But the horse just stood there. Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. "Why didn't you run?" roared the captain. "Listen mate," said the horse, "if I could run I would be at the racetrack today, not messing around with this cricket game.

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A man was walking down the road leading a horse and saw his mate. His mate said to him what are you going to do with that, the 1st man replied 'race it' the 2nd man then said well by the looks of it you will win!.

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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price. The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked. "Not a bit," said the owner. "In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?" "Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."

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The chronic horse player paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker. "Blessed Lord," he muttered with intense sincerity, "I know you don't approve of my gambling, but this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly."

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A jockey in the unsaddling area of Huntingdon when his horse had trailed in at the back of the field says: "That's not his trip, guv'nor, i think he'd get three miles." The trainer replied: "Three miles, he wouldn't get three miles in a ****ing horse box."